unleashing our healthy conflict
february 13, 2023
written by catherine clark, master of arts in conflict management candidate
written by catherine clark, master of arts in conflict management candidate
do you ever imagine what invention you’d propose if you passed an audition for shark tank? a couple of my ideas include a device for managing incompetent drivers by disabling their vehicles and an alarm notifying me that my plants are dying of neglect. despite the myriad options that flood my mind daily, my proposal would be a conflict cape, igniting superpowers that reduce instances of berating others or retreating in the face of charged conversations.
each exchange with a cashier, elevator ride with a colleague, and sharing of machines at the gym is fodder for my insatiable thirst for perspective on the intersection of neuroscience and communication -lately with a specific focus on conflict. my enrollment in the graduate program in conflict management at lipscomb was an organic culmination of a lifelong fascination with human psychology and behavior combined with curiosity and frustration over the stormy social and political landscape as well as my own aversion to conflict.
the need for equipping ourselves with effective tools for conversations that are complex, especially due to conflicting perspectives has always been vital and is evident in our current everyday life. healthy conflict has tremendous benefits, usually resulting in better outcomes than no conflict at all1. attack, retreat, or engage are three choices for relating to the world as we carry conflicting ideals, goals and histories within and among us. my experience promoting civil discourse has highlighted that the conflict existing within each participant cannot be severed from how they conflict with others, which is why i’d invent a tool to enhance the cognitive world of communicators (aka people).
4 features of the conflict cape (to be donned before any potentially challenging interaction):
- slow motion mode- expands time for processing the thoughts, emotions, and physiological response to what is being said and identifying personal triggers that are not based in logic. rerouting involuntary reactions to hard-wired memories of pain and danger through the frontal lobe would allow for increased self-regulation.
- intention recall- enables its wearer to keep at the forefront of consciousness their highest values (the fruit of the spirit, the 8c’s of self, the golden rule, etc.) combined with a specific desired outcome of the conversation (i just want to have a phone call with this person without succumbing to my urge to prove my point).
- curiosity dispenser- floods the mind with questions about the hopes, fears, hurts, and history influencing the behavior of the other person. it highlights the dignity and multi-faceted nature of fellow humans, with a bonus super-resistance to confirmation bias.
- release valve- gives the ability to recognize and counteract an attachment to a first encounter with the information long enough to examine its integrity. emits confidence to let go of a particular interpretation of reality to allow the truth to rise to the surface without props and free of coercion, meanness, and hiding.
the menu of excellent resources i’ve been provided in courses such as mediation, resilience, and organizational communication is rich with strategies that mimic the selling points of my conflict cape:
- slowing down my mind and body (as modeled by a professor who is a former hostage negotiator)
- remembering the objectives of all parties involved (a standard upheld by my facilitation professor, both in class and during the proceedings she invited us to witness through her professional facilitation practice)
- being open to facts that might compromise my position (encouraged by multiple examples of positive outcomes illustrated by dean joiner and his co-instructor, a successful business leader)
- challenging myself and others to consider the source of our information and opinions; to notice our assumptions; and to maintain a posture of curiosity (with notable opportunities to practice through interactions with classmates in my negotiations course)
- getting creative with solutions (including those proposed by the lawyers and judges that engaged in mock mediation scenarios with me)
the value of repeated practice to reinforce these competencies cannot be overstated. space does not permit an elaboration on the way that words and phrases (as well as sounds and smells) can evoke a very real physiological and emotional response in the human brain. getting stuck in a loop of why another’s triggers are not logical is not a helpful endeavor and only increases our own distress. being aware that another person has temporarily lost access to basic resources for relying on reason to inform their perceptions and actions is a tremendous asset. the applications of this knowledge are limitless, e.g., business negotiations, financial decision-making, navigating close relationships, and teaching children. however, the difference between knowing about triggers and appreciating how they can impact situations in real-time is vast, and it takes practice to manage them.
the tolls of polarization are real, on a personal, professional, and societal level. “blessed are the peacemakers” takes on powerful meaning when we examine the effects of disrupted connection among us: a diminished sense of shared humanity resulting in a national crisis of mental, emotional and relational health (which impacts the bottom line of virtually every organization). in my experience, these costs justify the price and risks of honest engagement:
- patience and energy to find creative language to explain my position -maybe multiple times
- more patience- to allow moments for my commitment to a valid stance to be suspended while honoring that the person in front of me has knowledge that i don’t -even if that knowledge stems from experiences that i don’t value
- courage to acknowledge what i don’t know
- opening myself to judgment or punishment, ranging from being dismissed to being attacked
communication characterized by respectfully challenging our own and others’ assumptions while controlling unhelpful impulses results in more robust, interesting, playful, and fruitful interactions -characterized by freedom to see others and be seen. while the success that this kind of relating can bring to friendships, business performance, and revival of cultural unity can’t be perfectly measured, investment in bringing resources that empower this kind of interaction to workplaces, communities, and places of worship has an undeniably powerful and lasting return.
1 springs j.a. (2018). healthy conflict in contemporary american society: from enemy to adversary. cambridge university press.
catherine clark is a candidate for master of arts in conflict management (august 2023) and a promoter of creative conflict. using her advanced degree in communication theory, she identifies gaps in organizational processes and communication patterns to propose solutions and coaching that impact productivity and culture.
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tags: leadership