handling conflict over the holidays

while reflecting on previous christmasses and preparing for his children and grandchildren to arrive, he found that time together would bring about conflict. boiling down to the core: unmet expectations. 

before a gathering, have conversations to bring internal standards to the light. 

for the household hosting for the holidays, set realistic goals between the members of the house. know who you are bringing in and how that determines how time together potentially plays out. 

for the whole party, share expectations on what meals will be spent together, what gifts look like this year, or when presents will be opened. before your time together begins, have conversations about what time together will look like. 

mom determines breakfast served before opening gifts, but brother-in-law has only known christmas morning to be gifts first. if there were no prior conversations before, brother-in-law could be let down by the events. potentially spiraling towards built-up tension or resentment. 

different ages, groups, or family units develop opinions differently. if one has high expectations and another low, find a middle ground. leaders, do what you can to raise the experience to meet those individual standards. 

good conversations are often difficult to have. especially when it is between members of the family. it is not surprising when dean joiner led the lunch and learn with, “family is hard.” 

 

according to axelrod, seventy percent of the population is others driven while the other thirty percent are self-driven. where an individual’s drive stems from determines the approach to addressing someone and problems.

for seventy percent, imagine an iceberg. about 10-20% of the iceberg is visible. the rest of the iceberg is underwater, invisible to the eye. 

now, apply the iceberg concept to conflict. in general, we may be doing our best to treat issues, but the treatment is only applied to the visible. do not repeatedly focus on the visible problem when that may not be the root. 

dean joiner claimed, “people are more open about their baggage than before.” continue to ask questions. listen. what is causing behavior choices will be revealed. 

 

remember the phrase, “if you’re nice to people, they’ll be nice to you.” warning: this is not always true. seventy percent of the time people will be nice, but what do we do with the other thirty percent? those are the ones that are self-driven.

start nice. bring a gift. hear them out.

if they respond poorly, still continue by responding in kindness. a composed response is the repetition of what you heard them say. this gives the other party the chance to respond or retract. the typical response is, "that’s not what i said/meant.” 

if there is still no progress, set boundaries. this step is designed to keep someone from walking on you. often, we will jump to this last step first. go through the steps, only go this far on people who bully. 

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